*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.