The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
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me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I’m Sold!
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.