having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
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Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.