“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
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YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.