I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
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When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Duolingo getting serious.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I created you as mosquito food.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft