Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
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I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
me irl
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.