The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
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Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My work here is done
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
HOW DARE YOU
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps