In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
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Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.