“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
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You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Y’all know who you are.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.