I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
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So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!