Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
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Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I cannot call her anything else now
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused