My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
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Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Oh the world we live in…
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?