Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
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My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.