I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
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I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
It’s the weekend y’all
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.