Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
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[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
March 16