The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
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[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go