I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
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If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
happy mother’s day❤️
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Breaking news:
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.