What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
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If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%