When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
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Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Breaking news:
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.