When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
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My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.