As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
You Might Also Like
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.