I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
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Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Wait a minute…
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
every. time.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet