I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Wait a minute
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?