Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
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It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I’m already scared
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”