AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
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*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Wait a minute
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.