When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
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Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise