My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
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wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.