Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
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Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.