Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
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Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔