Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
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When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Probably my best painting.
Encore…
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
it must be school picture day
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.