Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
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Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie