16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
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So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Wait a minute…
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off