Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
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Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Happy thanksgiving!
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send