You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
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My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.