[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
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Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I put the h in mysterious.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early