Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
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Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Had to try this trend 😊
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
*Seductively hides in the woods
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”