I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
You Might Also Like
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog