[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
You Might Also Like
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Don’t tell me what to do
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.