COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
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Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Hello, my name is Pierre.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]