Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
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My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved