Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
You Might Also Like
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”