I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
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[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
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HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”