Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
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Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
that’s really how it is
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.