“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
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USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.