Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
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[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me