Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
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My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.