I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
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After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
can’t bark with your mouth full
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild