Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
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“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I think my mom just blocked me
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
So inspired right now.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.