There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
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Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.