There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
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Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
when there are deer in the woods
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board